You may have that special ring that you want your daughter to have after yo are gone. Or you may have Grandma’s antique bureau that your son has always admired. You may want Auntie’s antique silver tea set to go to another daughter.
According to a recent study, about 30% of both baby boomers and their parents felt that personal possessions of emotional value were important to leave to their children. Although these personal possessions may not have much monetary value, they can have significant emotional value to your loved ones.
Some other examples of personal property that have emotional value are the tea cups that Auntie always used during your visits with her, Grandma’s stool you would sit upon in your youth while you chatted with her, or Mom’s candy dish from which you grabbed candy when you came to visit. Personal possessions with emotional value also include pictures, journals and other family histories and genealogies.
Even household items that are used on a daily basis can have emotional value, like Mom’s favorite mug or the manual can opener Dad always used because he refused to buy an electric one. I know of one instance in which Mom’s favorite pajamas were recycled and used to make pajamas for Teddy Bears, which were then given to each of the grandchildren.
The things that I see families fight about the most is not the stocks, bonds, cash or real estate, but the stuff. I have seen numerous families split apart over stuff which has very little monetary value, but a huge emotional value. For example, there were the three sixty-something sisters who fought five years over the distribution of about $1,000 in used furniture and tools. Or the family whose children spent $40,000 in legal fees fighting over $30,000 of stuff.
How do you divvy these up among your loved ones? When you have your will or trust drafted by your attorney, you could put the entire list in your will or trust. If you change your mind or give something during your lifetime to someone else, you would have to go to your attorney and have your trust or will redrafted, all for a fee of course. There a better way.
You should talk to your family while you are still alive and well. Find out who wants what and then write it down. For example, when I was growing up, my grandma told us that she wanted to leave something to each of her 13 grandchildren so that we could remember her. So we thought about it and each picked something that reminded us of Grandma and talked it over with her.
I chose an old living room side table. It wasn’t particularly valuable, but it was the table on which we would put our beverages and next to which Grandma and I would chat while she crocheted. Grandma wrote each of the grandchildren’s names on a white sticky label and then stuck a label on the item each grandchild was going to inherit after Grandma was gone. Grandma did the right thing by talking it over with us grandchildren and having us choose the memento which would remind us of her.
However, when Grandma and Grandpa died years later when I was in my 30’s, the labels had long since dried up and fallen off the items. The grandkids received nothing. My uncle wanted all of Grandma and Grandpa’s stuff. To avoid a family fight, the other kids let my uncle take all the stuff and he put it in his basement. There it sat for years, until my uncle’s basement flooded and all of Grandma and Grandpa’s stuff was ruined and thrown away. Grandma’s intentions were lost. I never did get that table.
Instead of putting it in your will or putting labels on things, you can have a provision in your will or trust that is often called a memorandum clause. That memorandum clause says that if you leave memorandums with your will or trust designating where your stuff is to go after you are gone, then those memorandums can be a legally binding document and amendment to your will or trust.
For example, when I used to visit a favorite aunt, I always admired an antique silver-plated candy dish in her living room. When she passed away, she left lists of things to be distributed to her loved ones. I received the candy dish and it now sits in the lobby of my law office filled with candy. Every morning when I come into my office, I see Auntie’s legacy to me. Auntie’s lists resolved a tremendous amount of potential disputes over Auntie’s stuff.
I have seen some people put together lists on the computer, but without the proper authentications of signatures and/or witnessing, they may not be binding. If it is entirely in your own handwriting, your dating and signing it is enough. However, if it is a typewritten or computer generated list, in addition to the date and your signature, it should be witnessed and signed by two unrelated persons. If the list does not meet the legal requirements, it still may be enforceable, but only after court approval.
You could send to each of the kids, a list of all your stuff with four additional columns: I couldn’t live without it; I would like it; I could take it or leave it; and I would put it in my next garage sale. Have the kids check their preferred column for each item. These lists from the kids could then be the basis of your memorandums of distribution of your stuff.
Or you could put a provision in your will or trust that before the estate sale, there is a private auction with only the kids, no spouses. If more than one child wants a particular item, the children will bid against one another until the price is high enough that one of them drops out.
So go ahead and throw out your sticky labels and pull out your spiral bound notebook or fire up your computer and start making your lists. To make sure that your wishes are going to be followed, properly document them so that you can be assured that when you are gone, you can give what you have to whom you want, the way you want, when you want.
By: Matthew Wallace CPA, JD
Published edited March 23, 2014 in The Times Herald newspaper, Port Huron, Michigan as: The stuff people fight over is crazy